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corvaxgirlAt this point, nearly a year and a half since my divorce first started (and sixish months since it ended), the most noticable issues I have at this point aren't what I would have thought - I don't really have relationship related trust issues, if anything my relationships have gotten stronger. I don't really have an OMG DON'T TRUST MEN! I don't have a "I will never ever get married again" thing going on.
No, what's most noticible to me would be that I am afraid of new experiences and afraid to trust in my own awesomeness. As neither of these things will do, I have put myself face first into Arisia (despite having run one, I've never volunteered at a con. I'm volunteering for the green room. The woman who runs it has ninja level organizational skills which put mine to shame hardcore) - I'm traveling to Boston for the first time in over ten years! I'm volunteering at a con I've never been to! My sleeping arrangements are secure but resemble crash space more than anything! I'm going to go to parties, I have no idea which ones! I'm going to be taking some form of public transportation home, alone! I will eat but have no idea what!
These are all things that are difficult for me to begin with (you can ask JohnM how fun I was to deal with the first year at the fairy festival), but they've gotten exponentially harder for me. This was something I had worked past in my 20's but seems to be resurfacing hardcore. I try as best as I can to take a deep breath and say to myself, "Just do it, Deb. It's okay that you don't know [x person]/how to get to [x place]/how late you'll be out, etc., etc. But it will be okay." And sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't. I try to take it day by day and push as much as I can handle but not so much that I will crumple. So yeah, I guess it's my control freak tendencies really rearing their head, but they manifest kind of . . .strange. Like, I want to control myself at all times and I tend to want to control my environment (like my closet organization, like making ABSOLUTE SURE the house isn't going to be a disorganized mess like the batcave was by unpacking everything, organizing and reorganizing things, etc), but not like . . .other people. And being completely and utterly controlled at all times isn't really what I'd call a party per se. So I'm trying to channel it and when it gets kind of crazy, I try to talk myself down. Arisia is going to be a big, yatta you did this! I also: went to a good NYE party even though I was afraid, led the Yemaya beach run even though I was afraid, hostessed a housewarming party even though I was afraid, hostessed Jow's 30th jamboree even though I was afraid, hostessed the koffeeklausch even though I was afraid, and am going to Arisia, even though I'm *super* afraid.
I've also begun to have trouble trusting in my own awesomeness for a myriad of exciting reasons that are related to my former relationship and my marriage, which is why I won't share the specifics, but besides specifics, obvs divorce = doubt in one's own awesomeness which is why a lot of newly divorced people act like whores. Since it can definately be argued that via being poly, I've already been a whore thus it's not so new and exciting *and* I intentionally decided I don't want any more serious relationships, this is not the most viable of options. I'm trying to just . . .regain trust in myself and my awesome. To this end, I'm writing even though I feel sort of like I teh suxxor at it right now (no rejections or anything, just ambient blech), I'm dressing better (if I look awesome on the outside, I must be awesome on the inside!), I've picked a role model of awesome to emulate (Joan Holloway, FTW), I surround myself with people who love me and are kind to me, I am opening myself up to more external validation by going new places for people to be all ay mami to me, and I am working on internal validation through Iron Pentacle Meditation.
So here I am!
No, what's most noticible to me would be that I am afraid of new experiences and afraid to trust in my own awesomeness. As neither of these things will do, I have put myself face first into Arisia (despite having run one, I've never volunteered at a con. I'm volunteering for the green room. The woman who runs it has ninja level organizational skills which put mine to shame hardcore) - I'm traveling to Boston for the first time in over ten years! I'm volunteering at a con I've never been to! My sleeping arrangements are secure but resemble crash space more than anything! I'm going to go to parties, I have no idea which ones! I'm going to be taking some form of public transportation home, alone! I will eat but have no idea what!
These are all things that are difficult for me to begin with (you can ask JohnM how fun I was to deal with the first year at the fairy festival), but they've gotten exponentially harder for me. This was something I had worked past in my 20's but seems to be resurfacing hardcore. I try as best as I can to take a deep breath and say to myself, "Just do it, Deb. It's okay that you don't know [x person]/how to get to [x place]/how late you'll be out, etc., etc. But it will be okay." And sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't. I try to take it day by day and push as much as I can handle but not so much that I will crumple. So yeah, I guess it's my control freak tendencies really rearing their head, but they manifest kind of . . .strange. Like, I want to control myself at all times and I tend to want to control my environment (like my closet organization, like making ABSOLUTE SURE the house isn't going to be a disorganized mess like the batcave was by unpacking everything, organizing and reorganizing things, etc), but not like . . .other people. And being completely and utterly controlled at all times isn't really what I'd call a party per se. So I'm trying to channel it and when it gets kind of crazy, I try to talk myself down. Arisia is going to be a big, yatta you did this! I also: went to a good NYE party even though I was afraid, led the Yemaya beach run even though I was afraid, hostessed a housewarming party even though I was afraid, hostessed Jow's 30th jamboree even though I was afraid, hostessed the koffeeklausch even though I was afraid, and am going to Arisia, even though I'm *super* afraid.
I've also begun to have trouble trusting in my own awesomeness for a myriad of exciting reasons that are related to my former relationship and my marriage, which is why I won't share the specifics, but besides specifics, obvs divorce = doubt in one's own awesomeness which is why a lot of newly divorced people act like whores. Since it can definately be argued that via being poly, I've already been a whore thus it's not so new and exciting *and* I intentionally decided I don't want any more serious relationships, this is not the most viable of options. I'm trying to just . . .regain trust in myself and my awesome. To this end, I'm writing even though I feel sort of like I teh suxxor at it right now (no rejections or anything, just ambient blech), I'm dressing better (if I look awesome on the outside, I must be awesome on the inside!), I've picked a role model of awesome to emulate (Joan Holloway, FTW), I surround myself with people who love me and are kind to me, I am opening myself up to more external validation by going new places for people to be all ay mami to me, and I am working on internal validation through Iron Pentacle Meditation.
So here I am!
