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yuki_onna who always knows somehow how to punch me in the squishy place where I live and to put it into words far better than I could.
It's where I'm living right now and it's hard as hell. I like being generally happy and productive and to feel like a good hamster on a wheel, getting treats and running. I haven't had a straight up good day that wasn't fraught with generalized anxiety/depression in a while now and that's really hard for me. It's not that my days have been bad per se, they just haven't been good. I don't like mucking around in my own ick, after awhile it feels like chasing my tail and gnawing at the same raw bit.
I appreciate all of you here, who've been kind to me during this, who've checked in and have been sweet. It helps me get out of bed in the morning and some mornings it's hard.
Usually I get like this since about twenty five for a day or three and in that short span, it's almost romantic. Laying around, thinking Deep Thoughts, hey artists are depressed a lot! It's like street cred! But when it drags, I start to wonder as I always do with everything from fibro to when someone dies or something big changes, will it get better? Logically, I know it will. Emotionally, I feel like I just keep dragging.
I'm trying to love myself as is and that's hard. I thought a lot of things would be temporary, my weight, my fibro, the unresolved feelings I have with my marriage/my divorce, my issues with my family. And just when I think everything is neatly managed . . .it's not.
Radical self acceptence was a lot easier for me when I was younger and thinner and more full of piss and vinegar with a large amount of people wanting to bed me when I was confident in my body when I was being queen of my corner of the club or dancing in college or figure skating.
I used to be really physically active. People don't know what who've only known me post fibro, but oh how I loved to run and play and climb trees and then figure skating and then dancing. Somewhere along the way I stopped trusting my body not to betray me and we live in this uneasy but civil truce where it will docilely go to the gym when I tell it to but there is no joy in it for either of us. I get tired too early to go out dancing most nights. Logically I know I can dance at home - put on some club clothes if I feel like it, put on some music, light some candles and oh hey top shelf liquor for free! But . . .I don't.
This whole radical self acceptance with my body is hard, darlings. Really hard. I cry a lot and every time I think I've smoothed things out, there's another layer. It's not just weight, it's not just marriage/divorce, it's not just acceptance, it's not just food and punishment, it's not just distrust and fibro, it's not just family issues, it's all of these things. Everything that's ever hurt me and everything my body has ever done to betray me, I've punished it for. And the older I get, the harder it is for my body to handle it. And . . .it's not fair to my body, all these things I've done to it.
Moar things I am doing to improve my relationship with my body:
* This whole "must try everything on before buying" is a complete exercise in maschochism because it requires long periods of time being half naked and picking sometimes unflattering clothes under questionable lighting. I got three new tops that were in my budget and a new necklace that go with what I am trying to accomplish. I offered that shopping trip as a devotion to Aphrodite.
* This whole trying to find a happy middle ground in pajamas between HEY SAILOR! MY BOOBS, LET ME SHOW YOU THEMS and flannel/super comfy *hiss* stay away from me (and/or it's really cold) has been trying. I don't like wearing baby dolls typically because my boobs flop all over the place. I don't like wearing any kind of "delinated boob space" (no nudity) because my boobs do not comply. So yesterday I decided to get a girly cami top and then picked out cute soft flannel boy boxers. Today I got some girl boxers and another soft top. That will likely be my "middle" place, though I found a nice chemse that looked like I wouldn't fall out of but of course it was sold out in my size.
* Picked up some dry nail polish stuff that's supposed to last a long time that I am testing. If it makes it through the weekend, awwwwesome because I chip it really bad on the regular. I think I will also get a little better at it with practice, though it looks pretty good as is.
* Carrying my mojo bag
* New shoes came in and they fit.
In other stuff, I have written out all my pre-rit info and the actual ritual with notes and it was a bit time consuming but better to have everything and not need it than vice versa. Since Cernunnos is more of a job title than (1) deity much like the Morrigan we will be honoring our local Cernunnos for the rit by having small baskets of produce produced in NJ that have been procured from the farmer's market.
Also tonight James and I will be going to dinner at Skylark (one of the few restaurants that is agreeable to my tummy, lately my stomach has not been happy about eating out at all) and then to see the live Rifftrax of Reefer Madness at a local theater.
yuki_onna who always knows somehow how to punch me in the squishy place where I live and to put it into words far better than I could.It's where I'm living right now and it's hard as hell. I like being generally happy and productive and to feel like a good hamster on a wheel, getting treats and running. I haven't had a straight up good day that wasn't fraught with generalized anxiety/depression in a while now and that's really hard for me. It's not that my days have been bad per se, they just haven't been good. I don't like mucking around in my own ick, after awhile it feels like chasing my tail and gnawing at the same raw bit.
I appreciate all of you here, who've been kind to me during this, who've checked in and have been sweet. It helps me get out of bed in the morning and some mornings it's hard.
Usually I get like this since about twenty five for a day or three and in that short span, it's almost romantic. Laying around, thinking Deep Thoughts, hey artists are depressed a lot! It's like street cred! But when it drags, I start to wonder as I always do with everything from fibro to when someone dies or something big changes, will it get better? Logically, I know it will. Emotionally, I feel like I just keep dragging.
I'm trying to love myself as is and that's hard. I thought a lot of things would be temporary, my weight, my fibro, the unresolved feelings I have with my marriage/my divorce, my issues with my family. And just when I think everything is neatly managed . . .it's not.
Radical self acceptence was a lot easier for me when I was younger and thinner and more full of piss and vinegar with a large amount of people wanting to bed me when I was confident in my body when I was being queen of my corner of the club or dancing in college or figure skating.
I used to be really physically active. People don't know what who've only known me post fibro, but oh how I loved to run and play and climb trees and then figure skating and then dancing. Somewhere along the way I stopped trusting my body not to betray me and we live in this uneasy but civil truce where it will docilely go to the gym when I tell it to but there is no joy in it for either of us. I get tired too early to go out dancing most nights. Logically I know I can dance at home - put on some club clothes if I feel like it, put on some music, light some candles and oh hey top shelf liquor for free! But . . .I don't.
This whole radical self acceptance with my body is hard, darlings. Really hard. I cry a lot and every time I think I've smoothed things out, there's another layer. It's not just weight, it's not just marriage/divorce, it's not just acceptance, it's not just food and punishment, it's not just distrust and fibro, it's not just family issues, it's all of these things. Everything that's ever hurt me and everything my body has ever done to betray me, I've punished it for. And the older I get, the harder it is for my body to handle it. And . . .it's not fair to my body, all these things I've done to it.
Moar things I am doing to improve my relationship with my body:
* This whole "must try everything on before buying" is a complete exercise in maschochism because it requires long periods of time being half naked and picking sometimes unflattering clothes under questionable lighting. I got three new tops that were in my budget and a new necklace that go with what I am trying to accomplish. I offered that shopping trip as a devotion to Aphrodite.
* This whole trying to find a happy middle ground in pajamas between HEY SAILOR! MY BOOBS, LET ME SHOW YOU THEMS and flannel/super comfy *hiss* stay away from me (and/or it's really cold) has been trying. I don't like wearing baby dolls typically because my boobs flop all over the place. I don't like wearing any kind of "delinated boob space" (no nudity) because my boobs do not comply. So yesterday I decided to get a girly cami top and then picked out cute soft flannel boy boxers. Today I got some girl boxers and another soft top. That will likely be my "middle" place, though I found a nice chemse that looked like I wouldn't fall out of but of course it was sold out in my size.
* Picked up some dry nail polish stuff that's supposed to last a long time that I am testing. If it makes it through the weekend, awwwwesome because I chip it really bad on the regular. I think I will also get a little better at it with practice, though it looks pretty good as is.
* Carrying my mojo bag
* New shoes came in and they fit.
In other stuff, I have written out all my pre-rit info and the actual ritual with notes and it was a bit time consuming but better to have everything and not need it than vice versa. Since Cernunnos is more of a job title than (1) deity much like the Morrigan we will be honoring our local Cernunnos for the rit by having small baskets of produce produced in NJ that have been procured from the farmer's market.
Also tonight James and I will be going to dinner at Skylark (one of the few restaurants that is agreeable to my tummy, lately my stomach has not been happy about eating out at all) and then to see the live Rifftrax of Reefer Madness at a local theater.
