If you're new to these parts

I do have a "beta" reader group where I post my short stories which are usually pr0n. I may eventually post a novel in process should I ever progress. But for now, pr0n.

If you would like to join, drop a note. I do ask for feedback, thoughts on the story, and/or grammatical/chorography corrections.

(no subject)

I sometimes on rare occasion have these intense moments where I'm like OMFG I'M A SURBURBIAN FUCKING STEPFORD DOING WHAT EVERYONE WANTS ME TO DO WITH A STUPID MEANINGLESS JOB TO PAY MY STUPID MEANLESS BILLS TO WATCH TV AND BE A FUCKING NICE GIRL AND DO ALL THESE FUCKING SOCIAL OBS AND COMPLETELY NEGLECT MY ART! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I SHOULD BE LIKE COURTNEY LOVE AND JUST START STRIPPING AND DOING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF BLOW! AT LEAST SHE'S CREATING ART! AT LEAST SHE'S AUTHENTIC!

I try to keep it in check, but somedays it's hard because I have these duel desires exhausting me. And some days compromise isn't good enough on either side, one wants to just sublimate the other completely.

Like on one side, I want to wear clothes from ny&co and j crew and have a juicy bag and drive a mini cooper and redo our condo to be dollhouse perfect and bake bread and be a good worker bee and make everyone happy and maybe some day have some dirt to putter in and garden and wear hippy clothes and do yoga and witches they were persecuted and wicca, good and love the earth, and woman power, and I'll be over here.

And on the other, I just want to let it all burn, get a convertible, sleep out on the beach in venice beach and do tarot and write little chapbooks of poetry and not give a shit about anything. I want to create, fuck everything and everyone else and whatever demons I pick up along the way, fuck it, just come on in. Whatever happens, happens. I say sometimes that the women in my family have abysses inside them and I can't ever hear the stone drop at the bottom. I guess sometimes I'm not so different. Mine had been paved over and smoothed out and medicated through my twenties but occasionally, when I feel especially trapped by duty and obligation, there's a pothole. But I always know I have this part I keep mostly paved over, she's always there, breathing inside of me.

Somewhere in my twenties I decided the first part would be easier to live with, and live as the majority of the time. And it has been for the most part. I make my inner Courtney behave as much as she ever will by writing and crafting. But there are days where both desires tug or one tugs especially hard, and it can be exhausting. Trying to be equal parts Susy Cupcake and artiste is a difficult balancing act on the best of days. It's a lot easier to live with me (both in me and with me) more Susy Cupcake than Courtney Love, it's more peaceful. I get more shit done. I'm happier. But in their own way, being a child of the grunge era myself, Hole sort of screams the deeper stories inside me.

go on take everything, take everything/ I want you to/ go on take everything, take everything/ I dare you to

oh make me over/ I'm all I want to be/ a walking study/ in demonology/ I'm glad I came here with your pound of flesh.

I gave my pound of flesh for this life and I'm not sorry for it. 95% of the time I love it, the aprons, the skirts, the spinning, the cooking, the cleaning, the family, the friends, the lovers, the admin job. But that 5% where my inner Courtney doesn't want to be bothered with the trappings of suburbia and other niceties, it's like I could split my own skin apart and come out someone completely different, man.