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* Like a motherfucking adult: Made appointments for my annual and a med check, mailed out all my etsy related stuff, mailed out my contracts, got rx sunglasses, got my ring size, mailed out drug company stuff, started my first full day at work yesterday, etc, etc

* Jow brought me home figs. Nom! I just had a delish prosciutto/fig sandwich.

* Tonight going to Little India with James

* Now have acrylic nails and they are painted a diva daaaaaaaark like real blood color and my toenails match. Fancy!
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Long-time reader, first-time et cetera.

A couple of weeks ago, the husband of a woman that I know tangentially just didn't come home. After leaving her freaking out for a few days and calling the police, he subsequently emailed (emailed!) her to say he wasn't coming back and was seeing someone else. He still hasn't come back or seen his daughter. (Oh yeah; they have a baby girl.)

I feel absolutely awful for her and hope she has her friends around her, but my question is a bit different. Over the past few years, I've amassed 5 or so stories of these things happening among friends of friends, or acquaintances, sometimes with some kind of grotesque twist (friend-of-friend's boyfriend walks out on her while she's in the bath, so she physically can't chase him). And they just haunt me. I don't want to ask, why do men do this, because I know women are just as capable; but why would anyone do this? Why ask a woman to marry you, pledge yourself to her, have a baby with her, kiss her goodbye in the morning and then, no warning, just be gone? None of the women saw it coming; there were no obvious signs. So (the real question, obviously): How do I know my husband won't ever do that to me?

I have no reason to believe he will; he can't stand to see me hurt or upset. I told him about this particular situation, and he is as baffled and heartsick as I am. But all these other women presumably thought the same. How to make sense of this? How can anyone have real trust and faith in a relationship when these things happen?

Making Peace With Uncertainty

Dear Peace,

If you've read The Vine for any length of time, you know why "anyone" would do this. Some people — many people — go to whatever lengths necessary to avoid confronting a difficult situation or conversation. "I resent the way you speak to me in front of the other bridesmaids," "I think you have a problem with alcohol," "I don't love you anymore" — nobody really wants to say those things, because nobody really wants to hear those things. It's uncomfortable on both sides. Yelling and crying may happen, and usually do. The instinct of many people is to remain silent and wait for a lightning bolt, literal or figurative, because given a choice, they would rather not anger or hurt others — or, more to the point, suffer the consequences of that rage or pain.

In the incidents you mention here, cases where a spouse just folds the tents and splits with no notice, the discomfort/pain avoidance instinct is definitely in play; you can chalk it up to a fundamental lack of courage. You could also argue, for some of them, that the departing spouse has decided on a scorched-earth policy as a perverse way of "making a clean break" or "making it easy on" the other person by "letting him/her hate me." This is bullshit post-hoc rationalizing, of course, but the kind of person who bolts in this fashion is usually the kind of person who can convince him-/herself that s/he's done it For The Good Of All. And that part is true, in its way, but…you know. Still.

And below and behind and running through all of that, I believe, is the good-guy syndrome. It's a variation on why certain exes push so hard for a functioning friendship, like, 18 minutes after you've broken up — if you guys are friends, everything's cool between you, and if everything's cool between you, your ex doesn't have to think about or take responsibility for any selfish/shitty behavior. When you see it on a grander scale, when a woman gets out of the tub and sees empty hangers creaking in the breeze of her husband's abrupt departure, as twisted as it sounds, I think the husband is trying to think of himself as a good guy. If he says out loud, "I don't love you anymore," "I don't want to be married to you anymore," "I don't want to be a husband and father after all," if he admits these things to himself and admits that he doesn't want to shoulder responsibility for his choices, then he has to think of himself as a fucking baby, or a guy who exists outside heteronormative blah blah, or whatever negative. I can't swear to this, because "naked and wet S.O." does not read "run away" to me, noam sayin', so it's a theory, that's all, but I think that, instead of having to admit, to his wife, to himself, to the world that he does not want these duties and these people and this life, which would make him a bad person? He would rather make one crappy hurtful choice about the handling of that, and in his mind, that makes him a basically good guy who did one crappy thing.

Again, I'm not defending it. I'm not even sure this is the thought process. Maybe they're just like, "Fuggit," and throw some undies in a bag and that's it. But I think it's basically a desire to skip over the painful part of breakups completely and fast-forward straight to Six Months Later.

As for how you know your own husband won't do it…you don't. I mean, you do — you can look at the people and the kinds of behavior you surround yourself with, historically speaking, and you can deduce whether he's going to pull that kind of nonsense. If "can't stand to see you hurt or upset" tends to take the form of hiding or flight…I mean, you do know these things. We all know about people, unconsciously.

And yet, we don't. Many of us keep secrets from ourselves, even, never mind from the people we love, or try to love. You can never know everything. You have to trust people, and you have to live up to their trust in you; that's what love is, handing over your heart and trusting that it won't get left out on the counter overnight or slammed in a door or something. Sometimes, that trust isn't warranted, and we always find that out the hard way, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it, or try. It just means that some people aren't good, and the biggest leap, sometimes, is trusting ourselves to handle that if we have to.

Anyway: it's hard, and these stories are distressing, but I really doubt your husband has a go bag stashed in the garage ceiling. Let yourself freak out about this stuff for a short time; then run a bath, and get in it with him.
- Tomato Nation
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* "How to Become a Lady Adventurer", my steampunk romantica just officially went into contract!

* My limited edition solid parfum La Luxure just sold out in under a month!

* Had brunch and Anthropologie time with Jow and we went to Wegmans and pretended to be french and picked out our dinner (soft french cheese with bread and pear, baked stuffed mini artichokes, grass fed steak with Bearnaise and a tart for dessert)

* Tonight wine and fireworks!

[glad game]

Jul. 2nd, 2011 12:20 pm
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* Tonight we celebrate James' bday (observed)! We're going to check out Kairo Kafe for booze, food and hookah :) I will be wearing my new super hot white dress and matching sandals.

* Lunch with mom today :)

* It's shaping up to be a lazy weekend which suits me fine!

[glad game]

Jul. 1st, 2011 02:40 pm
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* I just taught myself how to use my spinning wheel! It finally was fully assembled last week and then it lurked in Spare Oom while I pretended it didn't exist and then I decided to try to teach myself and I did it! Usually I need a teacher to show me a new crafting skill but I did it myself! The first half hour was awful but once I got the hang of it, it def came out as yarn! It is sooooo fast!

* Thorn retweeted my essay! :D

* Having a productive day!
corvaxgirl: (pagan diana)

Thorn writes awesome blog posts on the regular, but her latest one struck especially close to home for me: Self Respect: Come to Your Success. You should read it immediately because it's frankly life changing and also the rest of this entry won't make sense without it.

This part really struck me:
When are we not showing up? When are we avoiding our success? We aren’t late to meet friends for dinner, so why do we put off working on our novel? We aren’t late to our jobs, so why do we not get out of bed when it’s time to meditate?

I suck at showing up for myself. I really do. I'm more motivated than the average bear- if there is a strict deadline, other people involved, or it's money related, I have my shit together like 95% of the time. But when it's something non deadline related (my hearth witch book) or something that strictly benefits me (a regular magical practice, going to the gym), I suck super hard.

I'm not sure why that is or why I do this to myself. I am honestly and truly so close to becoming the person I want to be and when I get to the part that I'm just about to tip over the edge, I freak.

It's true! You can ask Jow, Jason, Gordon or anyone who knows me in real life. Freaking sounds so . . .cavalier. What I really mean is I have an actual full on panic attack which renders me useless. I will often self sabotage in exciting ways like messing with my schedule which always gets me crazified or taking my pills late or skipping breakfast or a host of other not helpful behaviors which I work really hard at not indulging.

But there's something about showing up for myself that has been problematic for a long time. I think fear is a big part of it for me. What happens if I accomplish everything I've been trying to accomplish and it changes me? What happens if it's not what I've always thought it would be? Like it or not, I've been hurdling towards this for quite some time and I've been fairly successful in my efforts so far but I'm also struck with mind killing fear.

In Dollhouse, the dolls always ask, "Was I my best?" And we use that as short hand in our house because in like everything else, that is my perfectionist, apple polishing modus operandi. I want to be my best at everything right up until it's about being my best for myself.

I saw this really amazing play recently with J. called Sleeping Beauty Wakes which is about what would happen if Sleeping Beauty has been sleeping hundreds of years and then taken to a sleep clinic and there's this really awesome song that Beauty sings that's called "Good for Me" which really describes my struggle with myself, Whatever I like you take away/ you drag me back from where I go/ you never listen to what I say/ whatever I want the answer is always no/ for my own good/ you lock me up in a padded room/ so safe I never feel a thing/ you tie me down in a silken tomb/ a perfect little princess puppet on a string/ for my own good/ I have a will that will not be denied/ I will be the one who decides what's good for me/ you're gonna see just what I'm made of/ I'll find the thing you're most afraid of/ Because I would rather die than live this way . . .

I need to ride the tiger and not let the tiger ride me anymore and I need to wake the fuck up. I think today after I do my magical household cleaning (which I have been a total slag about), I'm going to make some vows in front of my gods about showing up for myself, which terrifies me as I was taught through ADF/GoG that the gods do not fuck around about vows so you better mean them.

I need to.
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* My first day with my new gig went v. well. *knock wood!*
* Starbucks tonight with Miss April
* Have today to myself!
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* L. & W. are married!
* I did not mess up my reading. I haven't been at the pulpit in a while, it was nervous making but as Jow said I picked a selection from "the sexxxy part of the Jesus book" (Song of Solomon) and it was nice.
* I may or may not have convinced the bride to jump into the lake with me.
* Stopped in New Paltz, got to go to our favorite tearoom, to one of my fave pagan stores (got great deals on some hoodoo herbs) and two wineries, one of which has my fave sour cherry wine!
* We're hoooooooooooooooooome and there's $6 wegmans takeout, wine, computer and My Big Fat Gypsy wedding!
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* Starting next week, I'm going to have a much more stable schedule. Ahhhhh!

* Snagged some good deals on sale - stocked up on stuff I use at CVS (shine spray, scrubby gloves, hair dye, etc), got new wallflowers, a car scent thingie and new body wash for Jow at B&BW and got a new skirt and new capris with a pair of new sandals at NY&Co.

* Heading out tonight with J^1& J^2 for L. & W.'s wedding in upstate NY. We'll stop at Fresh restaurant on our way up (a fave) and I'll be giving a reading at the wedding. Whoo!
corvaxgirl: (joan lol)
* Feeling pretty on top of my game. All phone calls that needed to be returned are returned, my summer schedule is sorted, blogged recently, finances are in good shape, etc.

* Lunch with Miss April today!

* Then I'm going shopping! I have good coupons for Bath and Body Works, CVS and New York & Co, all of which are having sales! Whoo!
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* My wheel is finally fully assembled! Jow had it mostly assembled but as the directions were caveman/ikea pictographs, we needed an adult. Luckily, there's a store in New Hope that sells spinning wheels and she was super bad ass and helped Jow put the rest together (she said he had it mostly done ;). Bonus! We paid them by buying delicious roving. Mmmmmm merino and meriono/silk mix. Now I just have to figure out how to use it. Worst case, lesson in New Hope!

* My house is really super clean now which feels awesome

* Got a lot of errands done which I'd been getting anxious about so that feels good too!
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I want to try to post a glad game dailyish because I find it good for my mental health and keeps me focused on the positive. Originally the requirement in a glad game is any three or more things making you happy.

Hooray!

* Had a lovely day at the beach today with Miss April, the weather was perfect! Enjoyed a glass of wine overlooking the beach too.

* Last night's glee concert was a whole lot of fun. Gwyneth Paltrow was there, the entire cast was there including my beloved Lauren Zelzes. There were fireworks and confetti!

* Jow will be home soon with my new drugs of choice - Pomegranate Green Tea (slightly sweetened) and sea salt brownies from Trader Joe's. We'll be having nicoise salad and raspberry wine, nom!

* My pedi is still in good shape!
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17:50 @tessa_racht Regency England. I would totes marry an old dude for money and then proceed to be scandalous once he kicked off. #

18:03 Finding a piece of leftover pizza in the fridge right now was better than achieving enlightenment and I will stand by that. #

19:17 yfrog.com/kluhj2j - First Craft fair! Ignore my usual "wtf" expression #

19:18 t.co/wQtnMpR - First Craft fair vending expedition! Ignore my usual "wtf" expression #

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17:53 *Preview of my babysitter's a vampire* *suspious side eye from my young charge* #

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14:58 Only two Erzulie solid parfums left! www.etsy.com/listing/75680776/la-luxure-attracting-solid-perfume #handmadebot #etsybot #

19:41 I am completely hopeless irrevocably addicted to Trader Joe's Pomegranate Green Tea and I don't want to quit. #

20:13 Full of germs and mucus, #letsmakelove! #

20:34 I swear to god if my drv doesn't start working right and I don't get my judge judy before bed shit's about to get real. #

21:26 . . .and then the power went out for a half hour. Newsflash: I'm the worst pioneer ever. #

12:09 Last set of candles are being made for tomorrow! #

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14:23 Walmart takes on an almost dreamy lacey kind of glow when visiting while sick and on cold meds, just thought you should know. #

14:24 A lot of random people at the store wanted to chat with me today, maybe they want plague too. It's cool, I'll share! #

14:24 Been living off of rose tea and jasmine tea. Got two essential oils and grapeseed oil for only $15! #

14:27 that doesn't have a strong smell vs cosmetic smells and how to marry the two. #

14:27 Also, I think grapeseed is a better carrier than olive oil #themoreyouknow! #

14:36 The anthology process is so. . .difficult. It's a lot of squees & then oh crap I still can't really tell anyone yet until it's final final. #

14:38 I think I'm becoming a weirdo winter person. Why is there peer pressure to "enjoy" this weather? It's awful. No one says that in the winter #

14:41 Most of all, I want to than @DonCoyote for his invaluable editing skills. I would not have two more stories in final piles if not for him. #

12:07 La Luxure Attracting Solid Parfum in Honor of Erzulie Launched: tinyurl.com/3g44g9a (#Pagan) Limited edition! #

13:09 75% of wares are tagged and labeled, ebook reader covers not done for this show, will be done for next show. Not many dolls either. #

13:11 Tonight: make/label last batch of candles, decant/label oils. Label bags, stamp tissue paper. #

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10:17 I like that both @gordon_white and @Wraith235 are willing to say "parfum" for me with a reasonably straight face. If that's not love. . . #

10:18 Still has plague, but less bad than yesterday. However my body is now waking me up every 4 hrs to demand meds. #

10:19 You know, I've always heard that gods can get v. "if you give a mouse a cookie" if you let Them, #

10:19 but Erzulie and Aphrodite are the only ones I work with who do. #

10:20 I find this reasonable to deal with because that's the way I've been since I was sixteen and turn about is only fair. #

10:24 Labels are all printed and assembled. #

10:24 Now I need to make 2 more oils, 1 batch of candles, a few goddessdollies & then stamp tissue paper & attach labels & I'm ready for the show! #

10:38 I will be making my craft show debut at the Indiemade Craft Market this Sat in Bethlehem, PA. www.indiemadecraftmarket.com/ #

10:48 Updated my main webpage too: www.deborahmcastellano.com #

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19:56 #Recipe Monday Guest Spot with @amazon_syren! dropoutdilettante.blogspot.com/2011/06/recipe-monday-amazons-chocolate-peanut.html #

20:05 Soap is all done, candles are almost all done with minor burns, three oils are made. @smarionette and I kibitzed about our show on Sat. #

20:06 Colorful individually wrapped candy from the Asian market has been purchased. Now I just need to make the dolls and eBook covers #

20:06 . . .and then label everything and buy bags and tissue paper. But I'm pretty on schedule which is good. #

20:27 Oh! Finally ate bacon/chocolate. It also had peanuts and Guiness in it, it was nom! #

21:44 2 of the 5 Erzulie Parfums are spoken for (dropoutdilettante.blogspot.com/2011/06/pre-release-announcement-first-magical.html) #

12:03 I need a cold right now about as much as I need a hole in my damn head. How is I feel worse resting than not? #

12:04 But, I've come up with recipes for two more infused oils, made my labels and watched some tutorials for sewing. Busy bee! #

12:45 As a member of ADF and someone who knew Isaac v. vaguely in passing, today's Wild Hunt is just painful. fb.me/WuEIcSy1 #

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14:06 I learned at a young age to be sex positive thanks to romance novels. Obvs, #romancekills. . .eventually? #

14:08 I still read YA novels because they're not afraid to discuss dark themes and show light at the end of the tunnel. #yasaves #

14:11 Bc of reading and writing romance, my brain has become so distorted that I've poisoned all my lovers. @Jowzeph you're next. #romancekills #

14:12 Finally, I have felted soaps to my satisfaction. 8 done, 4 to go. Roving is dyeing for the last set of 4. #

14:13 Just finished making my first solid perfume in honor of #Erzulie. It's a gorg creamy strawberry color and smells sexxxy. #

14:13 Am making an oil for people with chronic conditions in my crockpot. Beeswax candles are next. #

14:16 I'm booked to speak at my alma mater in September to speak to their Pagan group on Hoodoo 101. #

14:17 Drinking iced tea and eating mini blueberry scones with blueberry preserves. Nom! #

14:52 #Pagan #Erzulie Solid Parfum Release Announcement: dropoutdilettante.blogspot.com/2011/06/pre-release-announcement-first-magical.html #

16:29 Half of my candles are done for the craft show now. Covered in soap, beeswax and perfume. #adayinthelifeofacrafter #

16:47 I know it's your dress, but sometimes some days I kind of want to steal it, @graveyarddirt. #

17:47 “If you’re comfortable, you’re probably making the easy, wrong choices.” - Scott Sonnon via @thorncoyle . #

17:47 Hmmmm. Maybe my life is going where it's supposed to! #

17:49 I finally got felting soap right which is good bc I was getting v. annoyed w/ it & may have flipped a table if it didn't start working right #

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10:22 Momma Starr (oldstyleconjure.com/) read my #WitchVox article and blog and said she liked it! *squee!* #

10:22 . . .of course, I couldn't contain myself and fan girl'ed out on her. #

10:34 Yesterday I went to see Sleeping Beauty Wakes (www.youtube.com/watch?v=zC5uOPbDYYE) with @Wraith235, it was really good! #

10:35 The set was really creative, the story really put some neat twists onto the fairy tale, the singing was really top notch. #

10:36 I liked that it was child friendly, but didn't cater to children. The sound track doesn't have the cast though, it's recorded by GrooveLilly #

10:36 Still, I recommend listening to "The Wheel Goes Round" for my #spinning friends (www.groovelily.com/musicals/sleeping-beauty-wakes/) #

10:37 "Good for Me" wasn't on the soundtrack, but I found it on a blog dedicated to Aspen Vincent who played Beauty. Her voice was amazing. #

10:38 Here's "Good for Me" tinyurl.com/3dqfaud #

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